i didn’t really know what to write about this week and so when it came to Saturday, I opened my notes app and wrote what I felt was flowing through me: sadness. the first of the month, my birthday month. i messaged my friend: i feel … DREAD. BIRTHDAY MONTH. anxiety. lol. I had woken up at 5 o’clock that morning and had work at 9 and my heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest which i generally never really feel unless i’m about to sing at a gig, so it felt 10x more impactful. i’ve never considered myself an anxious person but maybe i am. i feel like it’s something i’ve always been afraid of, but should probably try therapy for those thoughts! 

so i spent the morning at work feeling like i was going to throw up, the reason being because it was august. i surely can’t be the only person that’s filled with doom when they realise that their birthday is fast approaching? i hope not anyway. (not to make it seem like i want others to experience this disgusting sickly feeling, but to not be alone in it might be nice). and i’m sure that there are a multitude of reasons as to why birthdays are not always as exciting for some as they are for others that are perfectly valid.

i don’t know whether it’s wrong of me for saying that for the last 6 years i’ve not wanted to spend my birthday with family. something about the pressure of smiling for photographs when all i want to do is cry, and opening presents in front of people whilst worrying i’m not being grateful enough, it eats away at me. i spent most of my birthdays with family and i think as an adult i decided i’d like not to. i suppose it’s more of an escape thing really, i feel the need to get away – from what, i’m unsure, but probably my home. 

this past week or so i’ve spent more and more time with my sister; she’s come out with my boyfriend and i, we’ve baked, played on her scooter, been trampolining – all that jazz. she makes being at home better, because it limits the voices (or just one voice) being raised. i dread her leaving anyway because i miss her when she’s gone, but there’s also a part of me that hates to see her go because once it’s just adults in the house, it all becomes tumultuous again. and in relation to my birthday, i just don’t want that. 

anyway i don’t have much else to write about, but last night as i was falling to sleep i thought about how i was annoyed at myself for not sticking to a weekly routine of posting every Saturday, and that since then it’s been all i’ve thought about. i eventually came to the conclusion that i shouldn’t be so hard on myself. it’s not always realistic, and not always possible either. the sheer fact that i was disappointed in myself for not posting a piece on a blog that i made for myself, for fun, is not how i want my brain to work. so here i am three days later, hi! 

with all this being said, i do feel better now, and am also certain that i’ll have a wonderful birthday, because despite not looking forward to them, i always make plans to enjoy them. this year i’ll be 27! it’s been a really great year, and i have a lot to be grateful for. sorry if this post was whiney!!!!!!

thanks for reading again 🙂 

anaothys