i’ve been having a bit of a rough time of things as of lately, and before bed last night thought to myself: just make a blog? i feel like at some point in my first year of university i did something similar and posted a little bit of poetry online. this, however, i want to try and keep separate. 

i find it difficult sometimes trying to find the line between writing in journal form and writing poetry, because my poetry is written in such a basic structure the majority of the time. i feel things, i think things, i write them down. there’s a lack of rhythm and rhyme but i’ve learnt to appreciate it more in my later twenties, (trying to force something that you’re not comfortable with sometimes isn’t for the best.) 

anyway, i feel like having this as an outlet for a weekly post or so might be quite nice. the idea that nobody or everybody might read it is fun, and regardless of how ever many people do, i’ll at least have gotten some things off of my chest and can confidently say that i’ve been writing. 

a few months ago my mum was admitted to a mental health hospital and stayed there for around 2 months, up until a couple of weeks ago. whilst she was there i visited her weekly and over the period of time, i felt as though i saw improvements, though they were slight. the medication that the doctor had put her on was helping in ways (she gained weight, eats food now and is no longer anorexic, and some thoughts and feelings associated with schizophrenia have become less prevalent.)

that being said, since she has been home i can’t help but look and view her now as somebody who doesn’t feel anything anymore – merely in a numb state and most days not very present. i’m trying to be patient and sometimes wonder whether i’m a selfish person for wishing that i had more. i think grieving a person that is still alive is very much a thing, and i yearn for a mum who in the simplest truth does not and will most likely never come back to me. not in the way that i remember her, that is.

i think i’ll wrap it up here, so as not to dampen the mood too much. today i’m taking my little sister out to play mini golf as a belated 7th birthday celebration. I’m excited to see her.

if you reached this far, thank you for reading !!!!! i promise i’m not all doom and gloom